If you’re about to spend $2,000 on a Kaplan SAT prep class, save your money. Rocky shares an untold, hair-raising secret which will improve one’s SAT score for only $4.99.
Last weekend, Rocky drove his youngest daughter to her SAT test. The crazed, competitive, collegiate- co-ed-to-be carried the consummate commodities: pencils, calculator, wristwatch, ID card. She also carried the non-essentials: banana, bag of veggie chips. bottle of water. Additionally, she brazenly brought the backup bag: a dozen spare pencils, spare batteries…
The duo set out on the drive to the test site when Daughter suddenly screamed: “Stop the car. I need to go back home!”
Was this a case of sudden-onset diarrhea? Or perhaps a life-changing revelation that she wanted to skip college and launch the next Apple Computer Company?
“Dad – I need a spare Scunci for my hair,” she said.
(Scuncis are those elastic bands that hold long hair in a properly coiffed manner. As Rocky is bald, he views them as useful only as sling shots and holding car tailpipes in place when the rubber hanger fails.)
“You’ve GOT to be kidding,” said Rocky, thinking that Trophy Wife’s frequent caveats about Bad Hair Days had finally hit home. (Rocky failed to imagine the dire consequences of a Scunci that goes “snap” — somewhere between reading comprehension and vocabulary. Would Daughter suddenly be blinded by her ample golden locks? Might Rocky suffer legal liability if an out-of-control Scunci went sailing across the room and injured a fellow test-taker?”)
Grumbling about “women,” he drove back home and waited patiently (listening to NPR’s Car Talk), while Daughter ran inside to get a spare Scunci.
Later that day, Rocky asked Daughter about the test, and he also asked which was more useful: the banana or the spare Scunci…
“It’s really good that I had a spare Scunci,” Daughter said. The desks were incredibly tiny and my pencils kept rolling off them and falling on the floor. I used the spare Scunci to tie my spare pencils together and it surely boosted my score by at least 100 points!”
[Disclosure: Indiviudal results may vary. Unlike the Kaplan Prep Class, the Scunci Company doesn’t offer refunds if SAT scores fail to improve.]
Rocky took no pleasure learning that Apple CEO Steve Jobs may require a liver transplant. He notes, however, that following an initial swoon on January 14th, Apple stock regained all of its lost ground and more.
As a suffering Microsoft shareholder and believer in the miracles of modern medicine, Rocky suggests that Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer should perhaps consider a hair transplant. Might this transplant have a similar salutary effect on Microsoft stock? Or do company fundamentals matter more than CEO health?
[Disclosure: Rocky’s coiffure is closer to Ballmer than Jobs. It’s just one more thing that Rocky and Donald Trump do NOT have in common.]