If you’re about to spend $2,000 on a Kaplan SAT prep class, save your money. Rocky shares an untold, hair-raising secret which will improve one’s SAT score for only $4.99.
Last weekend, Rocky drove his youngest daughter to her SAT test. The crazed, competitive, collegiate- co-ed-to-be carried the consummate commodities: pencils, calculator, wristwatch, ID card. She also carried the non-essentials: banana, bag of veggie chips. bottle of water. Additionally, she brazenly brought the backup bag: a dozen spare pencils, spare batteries…
The duo set out on the drive to the test site when Daughter suddenly screamed: “Stop the car. I need to go back home!”
Was this a case of sudden-onset diarrhea? Or perhaps a life-changing revelation that she wanted to skip college and launch the next Apple Computer Company?
“Dad – I need a spare Scunci for my hair,” she said.
(Scuncis are those elastic bands that hold long hair in a properly coiffed manner. As Rocky is bald, he views them as useful only as sling shots and holding car tailpipes in place when the rubber hanger fails.)
“You’ve GOT to be kidding,” said Rocky, thinking that Trophy Wife’s frequent caveats about Bad Hair Days had finally hit home. (Rocky failed to imagine the dire consequences of a Scunci that goes “snap” — somewhere between reading comprehension and vocabulary. Would Daughter suddenly be blinded by her ample golden locks? Might Rocky suffer legal liability if an out-of-control Scunci went sailing across the room and injured a fellow test-taker?”)
Grumbling about “women,” he drove back home and waited patiently (listening to NPR’s Car Talk), while Daughter ran inside to get a spare Scunci.
Later that day, Rocky asked Daughter about the test, and he also asked which was more useful: the banana or the spare Scunci…
“It’s really good that I had a spare Scunci,” Daughter said. The desks were incredibly tiny and my pencils kept rolling off them and falling on the floor. I used the spare Scunci to tie my spare pencils together and it surely boosted my score by at least 100 points!”
[Disclosure: Indiviudal results may vary. Unlike the Kaplan Prep Class, the Scunci Company doesn’t offer refunds if SAT scores fail to improve.]
An old Dell computer has sat in the corner of Rocky’s home library for months. Rocky promised Trophy Wife that this unsightly dust magnet would eventually “disappear,” yet even Rocky’s trusted Computer Guru won’t carry the box away. The Computer Guru explained that no charity would want such a relic.
What to do? Rocky lists some possible uses for the “low profile” desktop computer:
1. It weighs about 15 pounds. Perhaps it can be used as a “medicine ball” … to be tossed back-and-forth in the gym?
2. In lieu of bricks, it could be placed in the trunk of a car…providing added traction for winter driving.
3. It can be donated to Habitat For Humanity and used as a substitute concrete block for new construction.
4. It can serve as a step stool to reach the top shelf in the pantry.
5. It can be used as a space heater to warm up the bathroom floor on cold mornings.
6. It can serve as a standing platform for meditation and yoga. Alternatively, smashed with a sledge hammer, it can provide a more effective release for life’s frustrations.
7. It could be buried in the backyard as a time capsule for future generations to find.
At dinner this evening, Rocky’s daughter reminded her father that he’s been promising to buy her a CD with all nine Beethoven symphonies — for months. Rocky’s a terrible procrastinator. Especially when it comes to spending money.
Admittedly, some kids want iPads. And some kids want new cars. And other kids want a shopping trip to Abercombrie & Fitch. Rocky’s daughter wants the complete symphonic works of Beethoven, which is both financially much less demanding and slightly amusing.
But — it’s not so simple. There are actually more Beethoven recordings than Baskin & Robbins’ ice cream flavors…
There’s Von Karajan — with his iconic 1963 recording with the Berlin Philharmonic (digitally remastered so only one’s hair dresser knows for sure that it’s actually analog. )
And there’s Leonard Bernstein. With his “idiosyncratic” 1960’s recording with the New York Philharmonic.
And there’s John Eliot Gardiner with a 2010 recording by the Orchestre Revoltionnaire et Romantique. (but that sounds FRENCH. Ugh!)
And the list goes on and on and on and on….Amazon has dozens of choices … Philadelphia Orchestra, Cleveland Orchestra, San Francisco Symphony, London Symphony, etc etc etc.
[Disclosure: Rocky picked the Von Karajan Deutsche Grammaphon recording, and purchased it from a vendor who undercut Amazon’s price! P.S. Rocky’s daughter has no relation to Linus.]