Help! My hand is stuck in a turkey…
Thanksgiving traditions vary widely. In the Rocky Humbert family, the tradition includes an emergency call to the Butterball Turkey Hotline.
From the ButterBall Website: “No question is too tough for these turkey talkers, and they are ready and excited to tackle any challenge you throw at them. Give them a call at 1-800-BUTTERBALL.”
2008: While reaching inside the bird to remove the gizzards, Trophy Wife’s hand becomes stuck. She twists. She turns. And despite agility acquired during years of Pilates training, her hand remains jammed inside of the avian cavity. The Butterball Hotline Expert solution: “Cook the bird with the oven door open, and leave Trophy Wife’s hand inside. However, be sure that the internal temperature reaches 190 degrees before removing from the oven.”
2007: While eating the bird, Rocky swallows the Butterball’s plastic pop-up timer (which had not popped-up during cooking.) The Butterball Hotline Expert advice: “Butterball pop-up timers contain non-toxic ink. If you feel a poking sensation, it probably means you have a fever. Take two aspirin.”
2006: It’s always a challenge to lift a fully-cooked 25 lb turkey. Rocky was responsible for this year’s roast, and he cooks the bird with the plastic webbing intact. He thought this would make lifting easier. He was right. It made the lifting easier. It also resulted in a plastic-covered turkey. The Butterball Hotline Expert advice: “Sir, there are several hundred callers on hold with genuine emergencies. I don’t have time for a crank caller.” Click.
2005: Trophy Wife loves to make sweet potato casserole with a coating of mini-marshmellows. The challenge is to get the marshmellows perfectly brown (but not blackened.) Trophy Wife places the casserole under the broiler and walks away. Four minutes later flames are visible. Rocky doesn’t call the Butterball Hotline. He calls the fire department.
[Disclosure: Let’s talk turkey. Rocky wishes his blog readers a Happy Thanksgiving. And in the words of Norman Bates, (a carving expert,) please be careful with your ccc-ccc-cutlery!]