Home > Barbeque, General > Help! My hand is stuck in a turkey…

Help! My hand is stuck in a turkey…

November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving traditions vary widely. In the Rocky Humbert family, the tradition includes an emergency call to the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

From the ButterBall Website: “No question is too tough for these turkey talkers, and they are ready and excited to tackle any challenge you throw at them. Give them a call at 1-800-BUTTERBALL.”

2008: While reaching inside the bird to remove the gizzards, Trophy Wife’s hand becomes stuck. She twists. She turns. And despite agility acquired during years of Pilates training, her hand remains jammed inside of the avian cavity.  The Butterball Hotline Expert solution: “Cook the bird with the oven door open, and leave Trophy Wife’s hand inside. However, be sure that the internal temperature reaches 190 degrees before removing from the oven.” 

2007: While eating the bird, Rocky swallows the Butterball’s plastic pop-up timer (which had not popped-up during cooking.)  The Butterball Hotline Expert advice: “Butterball pop-up timers contain non-toxic ink. If you feel a poking sensation, it probably means you have a fever. Take two aspirin.”

2006: It’s always a challenge to lift a fully-cooked 25 lb turkey. Rocky was responsible for this year’s roast, and he cooks the bird with the plastic webbing intact. He thought this would make lifting easier.  He was right. It made the lifting easier. It also resulted in a plastic-covered turkey. The Butterball Hotline Expert advice: “Sir, there are several hundred callers on hold with genuine emergencies. I don’t have time for a crank caller.” Click.

2005: Trophy Wife loves to make sweet potato casserole with a coating of mini-marshmellows. The challenge is to get the marshmellows perfectly brown (but not blackened.)  Trophy Wife  places the casserole under the broiler and walks away. Four minutes later flames are visible. Rocky doesn’t call the Butterball Hotline. He calls the fire department.

[Disclosure: Let’s talk turkey. Rocky wishes his blog readers a Happy Thanksgiving. And in the words of Norman Bates, (a carving expert,) please be careful with your ccc-ccc-cutlery!]

  1. November 25, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and Trophy Wife and Trophy Kids as well 🙂 Fakename would like to say that she once attended a Christmas dinner where the host cooked a ham with the plastic still encasing it. It took hours. Once discovered by anybody who knew what the hell they were doing, the plastic was removed (which unfortuantely removed the carefully prepared glaze that had been carefully applied to the outside of the plastic), the ham tasted just fine! We have had some rather inexplicable neurological symptoms in the years since, but…Just kidding. Apparently eating baked plastic once in your life is not that big a deal. Especially if you scrape off the outside parts of the food in question.
    Really, Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. ld
    November 26, 2009 at 12:02 am

    In 2009, may your turkey turn into gold (of the same volume)… Perhaps the Humberts will consider going out on Thanksgiving. I hear a lot of people do this. But call the hotline first… On a second thought, ButterBall will probably just offer to exchange it for another one. 🙂

    Happy Thanksgiving, Rocky!

  3. November 26, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    I’m just trying to visualize the 2008 call … the operator with the Indian accent on the other end explaining “No no honourable sir, you must first be telling the lady to let go of the thing she is holding onto inside …… Yes yes, she must let it go, and then pull he arm most vigorously for the best result…” 🙂

    Happy Thanksgiving to you Rocky, and to TW.

  1. November 25, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: