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Oceanfront luxury for under $1,000

March 17, 2009

beach-house“Gentle sea breezes, warm sunshine and the sound of the ocean surf,” were the minimum requirements for Trophy Wife’s dream beach house.

Rocky doesn’t like the ocean. (He says, “If man were meant to swim, he’d have webbed fingers and toes.)

Rocky doesn’t like the sun. (His friends call him The Vampire, since he rarely ventures out before sunset.)

Rocky doesn’t like warm weather. (He wears the same heavy charcoal-colored British wool sweater. Every day.)

Nonetheless, Rocky, a dutiful spouse, recently visited Miami Beach, and toured beachfront properties. Rocky concluded that even in this horrible real estate market, suitable beach houses were not a “bargain” at several million dollars. More importantly, they were only 10% to 20% below the peak price.

Always the miserly arbitrageur, Rocky fired up his laptop and started googling….

Gentle Sea Breezes
The Aloha Breeze White Tower Fan ($35.00)

The Smell of the Ocean
Air Wick Ocean Breeze Liquid Air Freshener ($4.97)

Warm Sunshine
StayTanNorth Deluxe Tabletop Tanner ($169.99)

The Sound of the Surf
Ecotones Adaptive Sound Therapy Machine ($299)

Walk to the Beach
Membership at the YMCA ($460)

Total cost: $968.96

“So you can have all the benefits of a Florida beach house, for under a thousand dollars,” Rocky excitedly showed Trophy Wife. “What do you think?”

“I think you should go jump in a lake,” Trophy Wife replied.

  1. Tiago
    March 18, 2009 at 4:20 am

    ahahahahaha, just couldn’t stop laughing! fantastic post! thanks for it!

  2. March 18, 2009 at 6:43 am

    Rocky thanks Tiago for his visit to the blog!

  3. Sam
    March 18, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Would trophy wife be satisfied with a condo as opposed to an entire house? I am sure you could find a great deal on an oceanfront condo. No?

    If I had known I would have sold you our house in FL. It wasn’t on the ocean, but if did back up to a retention pond.

  4. masteroftheuniverse
    March 18, 2009 at 8:40 pm


    Living at the beach isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First of all, taxes kill you. Second, things rust and you need to get a new car every 2 years. Third is the insurance companies that cancel your policy and force you to go to the state pool. Forth, is the people who knock on your door asking to use the bathroom. Fifth is the county ordinance that requires you to keep the beach clean, even below the high tide mark, Sixth is that you can’t do anything without excessive permitting and inspections. Seventh is the need to repaint every year. I could go on, but you get the point.

    I think the air freshener is the way to go.

  5. March 19, 2009 at 6:09 am

    Can one go swimming in the “State Pool?”

  6. masteroftheuniverse
    March 19, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    You can’t go swimming in the state pool, but after you sign up, you will take a bath.


  7. March 19, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    And then you’ll be “all washed up.”

  8. Dan
    March 20, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Haha! Rocky, you have a great sense of humor.


  9. March 21, 2009 at 7:44 am

    Hi Dan:

  10. March 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    “‘I think you should go jump in a lake,’ Trophy Wife replied.”

    Perhaps she is compromising and asking for a lakeside cabin instead of a place on the beach?

  11. March 23, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Good thought. However, Trophy Wife NEVER compromises. Except once… when she married Rocky…..

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