Electricity & water: the hazards of bad timing

 Trophy Wife recently installed an electrically-powered waterfall and stream on the Humbert Estate.

The birds love it. (“Chirp, Chirp.”)

The deer love it. (“Slurp, Slurp.”)

Trophy Wife loves it. (“Ahhhh….”)

Alas, when the electric bill came, Rocky didn’t share in the euphoria.  Instead, he decided to install a timer.  A  project that begs the question, “How many trips to Home Depot does it take to screw-in a lightbulb?”

On Thursday, Rocky purchased a timer at his local True-Value Hardware store and synchronized the river tide with Trophy Wife’s comings and goings. ( Trophy Wife’s weekday departure time=Waterfall Off.   Trophy Wife’s weekday arrival time=Waterfall On.  Sleeptime=Waterfall Off.)

 And all seemed well … until Saturday.

“Why is the waterfall turned off?” ask Trophy Wife.

“Because you aren’t supposed to be home,” answered Rocky.

“But I’m always home on Saturdays and Sundays,” observed Trophy Wife. “You need to fix this problem.”

So, Rocky set off for the local Ace Hardware Store and bought a new timer — one with a label that read  “WEEKLY schedule — every day is different.”

After struggling to remove the plastic wrapping (which rendered the product non-returnable,) Rocky sadly discovered that this was a “Vacation Timer”  designed to  turn lights  on and off at entirely random moments. This timer’s intent is to confuse burglars — especially burglars who check a waterfall before breaking and entering.

Timer #2 could not be programmed,  but at least the timer’s description was honest: “Every day IS different! ”

Rocky knew better than to propose  a waterfall that starts and stops randomly.  Instead, he tossed it in the back of the trunk and headed to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Rocky  found two suitable choices: (1) An in-line 7-day digital programmable timer with waterproof box (which risked electrocution for both the installer (i.e. Rocky)  and local chipmunks. (2) An idiot-proof 7-day timer with “no assembly required.”  Rocky chose the latter, programmed the weekday and weekend settings, installed a professional-looking weatherproof box,  and went inside to take a well-deserved nap.

[Disclosure: Before purchasing the third and final timer, Rocky sent a Blackberry Email to Trophy Wife which read: "Please note that NONE of the timers can be set to turn on for Federal Holidays.  Trophy Wife replied, "Yes. We'll deal with those manually. If you're still there, buy more lawn bags. "]