Rocky suffered insomnia last night. While drinking a warm glass of cold milk, he caught up on the latest trends in criminal behavior: banana theft. He will mercifully spare his readers the many bad puns which come to mind…
From the Daily Journal of Cumberland County, NJ:
VINELAND — A commercial trailer containing $15,000 worth of Del Monte bananas was stolen from the Vineland Produce Auction. The owner, Daniel Hernandez, told police he parked the loaded refrigerator truck on the North Main Road produce auction lot around midnight Saturday and locked it up, just as he always does. His shipment of 900 cases of bananas was due to leave the block Sunday afternoon.
When Hernandez returned at 11:30 a.m. to check on the temperature of the truck’s cargo, the vehicle was gone, police said in a report released Wednesday. Police followed muddy tire marks from where the trailer was parked that went along North Main Road to Vine Road and turned east before disappearing, police said.
The trailer was a white 1994 Great Dane carrier unit with “Atlantic” on the rear doors and “Carrier” on the front. The total theft, including the value of the truck, is estimated at $25,000.
Police have no suspects.
[Disclosure: Rocky thinks the Police should have no difficulty finding suspects. Mae West knew the signs of banana theft: " Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" He also notes that the bananas were stolen from a "refrigerator truck." This is suspicious, as the Chiquita Banana Song specifically warns against keeping bananas in the refrigerator: .]
Remarkably, both bolts that connect the water tank to the bowl failed simultaneously. Rocky’s water is slightly acidic, but to a sensibly paranoid observer, this WAS NO ACCIDENT.
Rocky surmises that one of his enemies planned to cut the brake lines of his car — but got tired of waiting in the rain. Hence, the evil-doer broke into Rocky’s house and cut the toilet bolts instead. This was a direct affront to Rocky’s “throne.” (A less plausible explanation is a manufacturing defect.)
Rest(room) assured, Rocky will remain especially “vigilant,” until the culprit is apprehended and/or his toilet is repaired.
[Disclosure: This was a seven-year-old Kallista Stafford Two-Piece Toilet, Model P70022. Customer service is closed on weekends.]