Toilet sabotage: An attack on the home throne

Rocky returned home from the office on Friday to discover his toilet voiding itself onto the floor.

Remarkably, both bolts that connect the water tank to the bowl failed simultaneously. Rocky’s water is slightly acidic, but to a sensibly paranoid observer, this WAS NO ACCIDENT.

Rocky surmises that one of his enemies planned to cut the brake lines of his car — but got tired of waiting in the rain. Hence, the evil-doer broke into Rocky’s house and cut the toilet bolts instead. This was a direct affront to Rocky’s “throne.” (A less plausible explanation is a manufacturing defect.)

Rest(room) assured, Rocky will remain especially “vigilant,” until the culprit is apprehended and/or his toilet is repaired.

[Disclosure: This was a seven-year-old Kallista Stafford Two-Piece Toilet, Model P70022. Customer service is closed on weekends.]